Five more minutes.

So many have asked…The online memorial is now on the ANT Colony Television network. Just see the instructions below to access it. It’s in it’s own folder in the on demand area and is also in rotation on the regular broadcast.

Here is a highlight of that memorial. This part struck me as profound. That’s where today’s blog title comes from as well. It’s time to pick up the pieces and make a picasso. Mucho love.

Today’s Video Blog Entry:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSqWiAdlISI

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“Strength is more than being able to lift heavy things. Faith isn’t just something you have when things are going great. Living in the moment requires no thought. Love should never come with conditions. Happiness is a choice. Failure is always the first step toward success. A change lives inside you now.” –the ant colony

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1. To always speak the truth…except when to do so would injure another.
2. To talk health, happiness and prosperity to EVERYONE you meet.
3. To be so strong, that nothing can disturb your inner peace.
4. To be just as enthusiastic of anothers success as you are about your own.
5. To remember that God is in the pause.
6. To forgive the mistakes of your past and to strive to greater achievements in the future.
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8. To have NO JUDGEMENTS of others…No matter what.
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11. To remember your spirit and nourish it daily.
12. To remember these principles above personalities.
13. To always speak of myself in a kind, gentle, positive way. To be nice to me.

Progress not perfection. Willingness is the key. And remember to laugh like the comedians in all of us!

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 25th, 2008 at 5am and is filed under COLONY SPIRIT. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

10 Responses to “Five more minutes.”

Heidi Says:
November 25th, 2008 at 9am
{{{ Ant}}}}}…I’m only going to post this here. I’ll be honest with you..I said to myself I can’t watch this part of the video again.. Not the Brownie part of it which was pretty funny, and the laugh and smile it brought to your face was beautiful to see.

It was the 5 mins and the breathing which brought me to tears again. And if you don’t mind I like to share something and I will shorten it up quite a bit.

When I got the call that my Father took a turn for the worse, I flew over ASAP…I was there about 2 weeks before. It was a 5 1/2 hr flight and when I arrived at the airport around 8:30pm I told my sister if we can go see him now or if it was too late at night…My mind was all over the place, I didn’t know what I was thinking…She said..Let’s just go now…I got to his room, it didn’t even look like him anymore..Within 5 mins as I stood by his bedside, my coat still on, I heard that shallow breathing you were talking about. I’m hoping he knew I was there… I whispered in his ear that I was here, held his hand, I saw a tear stream down his cheek…And that was it..He was gone. The nurses said he was waiting for me.

The last 5 mins 2 weeks prior I had with him, he was frustrated and angry…Not of me, just what he felt at the time..I knew this would probably be the last time I see him. I just wish I had that Special 5mins you had with Richard.

Jan 20th will be 14 yrs….Thankyou for letting share this…Now it’s my turn to grab a tissue.

xo
Auntie T Says:
November 25th, 2008 at 10am
{{{{{Heidi}}}}} I’m so sorry

I had a similar last 5 “conscious” minutes with my dad. He was mad! I was in complete denial and was talking to him about how we would do Thanksgiving a week late, after he got home. He was on morphine, and angry, and frustrated, and just plain old pissed off that what was happening was happening. I honestly had no idea that when I went back the next morning, (on Thanksgiving, to smuggle in more chocolate pudding as his Thanksgiving dinner) I’d be saying good-bye, while he was in a coma, and letting him go.

I wish more than anything that I had known the day before would be the last time we would have a two-way conversation before he passed away. You all can call me as crazy as you want, but I did get a few more 5 minutes with him after he was gone. He wasn’t ready to go and he hung around for months. We had some beautiful conversations….in my dreams….or were they dreams? I’ll say they were so you don’t have me committed…but I don’t really believe I was dreaming

I love that you had your “5 minutes” ANT, and that you recognized them in those moments.

Someday maybe I’ll share my “totally anti-drug – would disown any of his children for smoking pot” dad’s brownie story, it’s almost as funny as Richard’s (it was my 16 year old who ate them…and not just one…the night before my dad had the nurse call to tell us not to eat the brownies)

{{{hugs}}}
Malky Says:
November 25th, 2008 at 1pm
Both Heidi & Aunti T, ((((HUGS)))), I too was there. ANTS video hit on such a time in my past that I was in love, anger (at him & the medical profession), oh no what did I do (I took him home on long passes every weekend, this was for about a week or so), and I could not get him back to the facility for his meds. (thank G-d he was not in pain, or too much) I used all of my pain meds. from my neck disc thing to help him. He wasn’t eating, he would say “boy I would love your chicken soup, or etc. I would cook all this stuff up and he would take a sip. I was frustrated and angry that he wasn’t trying, but the truth is I was the selfish one. His brother called to check on him (he was in chicago, we in NJ) I gave the run down, and apparently his brother said to me first”look, I am coming in this week (this was Sunday, he was coming on Wed. I believe), then to him “stop giving her such a hard time, she is melting down and I can’t get there any sooner, he said ok and joked “i think he has a crush on you, that b*st*rd , and laughed. He ate great that night, and the next day, then slept alot and was very fidgetty on Tuesday when he was awake. He had some family issues and sadly used this opportunity to call his mother and give her a long piece of his mind (she is where his drug addiction started) and her last phone conversation with him to me now as a mother was horrific (but, she was a very not nice person, so we will leave it at that). He called a friend to chat, he listened to music. It was a good day (for him at 5″9 and 100 pounds if that). We layed in bed around 6pm he said I am so tired, so, tired, I am not a man, look at me. I assured him he was and I loved everything about him, even the negative things that made me crazy. He said “I thank G-d every day that you came into my life, before you, I had no reason to live, and now I live every day for you”. I told him, and I didn’t think I would have the strength to do this, (because I was a selfish fighter and wanted him to beat this, but in 1994 with a TCell count of less than 7, I knew he wasn’t) that he needed to go and I understood (I am crying as I am typing this after seeing ANT and relieving this 14 years later), he said “are you sure”, I said “though tears and all yes, yes, you need to do this”. He then said “are you going to be ok, I said yes, because I know you will be watching me, please don’t forget me. About 6:30 pm he grabbed me, and said “baby this is it, I am dying, I asked quickly let me call 911 (but we both new not too), no, just hold me, hold me hard and I did. I kept asking him if he could feel my hugging and he said yes, (I then made a quick half joke/half comment, a good friend of mine from high school passed 2 years before from an od, and he always wore these biker boots, black, even in gym, to the prom, he never bought any other pair of shoes except these boots from 9th grade on) I told Dennis “look for those boots, he is a great guy and someone to hang around with”. He laughed, said to kiss me, and gasped, and I don’t remember if there was that “aginal” breathing. I just held him and cried. I called his brother first, who is a Chicago Detective and he said I’m on my way, don’t call 911. I called a good friend who was on his way because he came every day and had a feeling this was it. First thing he said as a paramedic, and me as a nurse, was don’t call 911 until I get there. Being that I did not have a DNR in my home for him, then I should have technically called 911. So he handled that, detectives came, taking pictures I felt like a criminal (yes he had methadone he was a recovering drug abuser and other things like AZT, Melanol (legal liquid mariquana), again, thank G-d, his brother called my township’s dectectives and said a 911 call will be coming in for this address and faxed some official records (so they knew he was a detective and relative too) he talked me through what they were going to do, etc. Of course 1 hour later, they came in (911) with the defrib., and I literally jumped on him and said “NO”, I am a nurse he has no pulse, no respirations, no heart rate, you are not doing this to him. Luckily the detectives and regular police officers were great. I never knew I had that strength at that time. Of course I broke down after that, and after the burial (and his brother and I straighted out some affairs), then I felt so alone. The most alone I had ever felt. WOW, that was soooo long and a little narsasictic (sp. I know) on my part.

This isn’t the place for my pitty parade. I found the colony during ANTS loss and it hit me. Sorry for taking any focus off ANT, Richard and Families. They are on my mind. This is just a flash back that hit me hard.

(((((HUGS & LOVE)))))) to all the colony, especially ANT and all those that have welcomed me and shared their stories of times like these.

On another note I started crying as I came home from work (my eldest 12yr. boy giving his Rosh Yeshiva (principal n hebrew) a hard time, and the y want a “meeting”, to turn on the computer and see a video about a 11 yr. old boy with terminal leukemia who was given 2 weeks to live. He was saying, “I was coming back from the clinic and I say all these homeless people, (I believe he was in seatle), and said “tis the season to be giving” he was too weak to do it himself, but, his name was Brenden Foster started a food drive, it started locally, then 10’s of thousands of dollars came in, as did truck loads of food from all across the country!!! He sadly died in his mothers arms last Friday, and she said he was a giver till the end, and left his legacy. CRYING again.

Love you all,
Malky
Malky Says:
November 25th, 2008 at 2pm
WOW, SORRY, THAT WAS LIKE THE LONGEST POST EVER!!!!! You can’t tell by my spelling but I was an English/History (double major, yeah me) so, that is where the details comes in. I am with alot of children all day long so that is where the need to connect to adults come in. The nurse thing fell in after I was excepted to law school and declined.

malky the long long blogger
Heidi Says:
November 25th, 2008 at 4pm
{{{ Malky and T .}}}}…thanx for sharing. xo

..Lydia..Thinking of you..Hope you are well. xo

Jennifer…xo

Ant..Continued love and comfort. xo
Auntie T Says:
November 26th, 2008 at 10am
Malky – What a beautiful yet tragic love story. {{{hugs}}}

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving (Heidi, I hope you have a fabulous Thursday). I just returned from the grocery store, which surprisingly wasn’t very crowded….yet. I’m looking forward to seeing the world’s cutest niece and nephew! From the moment she arrives at any family gathering, my 3 year old niece starts asking, “Auntie Terri, when do I get to help you make cream?” (she always helps me make the whipped cream for dessert) and “Will you do princess braids in my hair?” (french braids). But the best part is my 2 year old nephew, standing in front of me with his arms up, saying, “Auntie Tebby, I want to hold you,” when he wants to be picked up to snuggle. My sister better watch out, I may have to kidnap them one of these days and keep them for myself

Thanksgiving is a sad day for me, which is all the more reason it is important for me to think about the things I am thankful for. I am thankful for ANT for providing this wonderful place, and I am thankful for the good friends I have made here.

Anyone who is traveling this week, please travel safe.

{{{{{hugs}}}}} for ANT, ,Heidi, Lydia, JPB, Malky and everyone else here.

Happy Thanksgiving (and Happy Thursday to Heidi)
Jennifer Says:
November 26th, 2008 at 1pm
Heidi, Malky, and Auntie T thank you for sharing. I will share sometime when I have time. It’s the loss of my father 6 years ago that was so rough yet filled with peace.

I hope those that are celebrating Thanksgiving have some great food to enjoy with their loved ones and, let’s face it, not so loved ones. Be safe in your travels.

Heidi, you’ll have to come join us for Thanksgiving some time, matter of fact you could pick a different Colony member every year and see who makes the best food. I hope you have a very enjoyable Thursday and wish it to be as pain and trouble free as possible.

Sending all my love, big giant hugs, and lots of smoochies too.

Time to get that mistletoe hung at the Colony.
Malky Says:
November 26th, 2008 at 9pm
Thank you everyone for your endearing comments about all the pain and loss that we have gone through (unfortunately). And I hope that ANT is filling himself with positive friends and family right now, I am sure they are all gathering round him link the colony. We will celebrate Thanksgiving on Friday in my world (actually going to my “sisters” house, “sister” meaning my very best friend in the world who helps me as we do her family, even through our move, which they did not support ). Meaning they hate our town. As do many of my dear friends. I will explain if I can, first off I am an Orthodox Jew. So we differ than some “Jews”, in many ways. My children go to Yeshiva /or/ Chedar (for boys) & girls schools are typically called Bais Yaacov’s (although they have different names). Girls and boys don’t play together after a certain age, they wear long sleeves, longs skirts, too. Boys don’t wear shorts after 1st grade and only wear shirts long or short sleeve that have collars and at least 3 buttons. Until 7th grade & up, then they wear to school black pants and a white shirt. When they are praying they must wear a black hat (in addition to their yalmuka/kippa), and black jacket. This is out of respect to be of “proper dress”. I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY!! My husband and I didn’t grow up with way. We grew up, with basically no religion and celebrating everything, but lacking G-D (we don’t write his name out, I know sounds strange) My family thinks we are NUTS and I don’t speak to most of them, well really and sadly just my parents. Long, Long story, but as all (or some) families have “the odd one”, my mother was not a lovey, touchy, let’s have lunch, share our emotion type of person. My Grandparents were. She was one of the oldest of 7 (3rd in line, but first girl, and they were not religious, normally it is us religious having all the kids hahaha). So, I was always close to her sisters who are the 2 youngest and since she was either the first or second to get married and she was young (20), I am closer in age with these sisters then she ever was. So our relationship was never great. It got worse with us finding religion and being/feeling spiritually connected. So for those that don’t know, that can and did drive a huge wedge in our relationship, which was not great. My grandparents, did a great job in helping to raise me, since both my parents worked and I was the first grandchild and very, very spoiled by all of my aunts, uncles and grandparents. Sadly my grandparents are no longer with us (I am trying to hold back my emotions now, lol kind of, as I have been doing nothing here but gripping about my tearing up, but I do get choked up about them alot).

So again, I am a long blogger, but, please have pity on me I am with 15 4 & 5 year old girls every day. I teach (yet another career), you would think I was super rich, WISH!!! But I teach with a great teacher with over 35 years teaching experience and she is amazing, I am the one who is tired out at the end of the day. I only do my nursing during the summer for a camp. During the school year, I adjust my “job” to my children’s schedule. It would be too hard not to. We run on a not “normal” school schedule. For instance, my children have school tomorrow (Thanksgiving), in this town the only “celebrated” holidays (meaning the ones the Yeshiva/schools are closed for) are the Jewish ones. Now, I know what everyone is thinking, same as many if not all of my best friends, “my sister” and her family who is our family, THIS IS AMERICA. Yes it is. I agree, but we chose to move here, due to the strong religious influence and as all of my friend would call it “bubble world”, because we don’t have outside of our religion influences. Meaning, no TV, no secular (meaning not religious) music, some books, but we need to check them. Many people don’t have a computer and the children are not in any circumstances allowed to use one if we have it. THIS IS COMING off very VERY CRAZY. But, this has been a very long process for my husband and I we married and started to slowly become religious, we then had children and chose to bring them up in a strict orthodox fashion.

Now, seeing that I “blogg”, and know who “ANT” is, tells you that I do keep up with the outside world. I have certain problems with the town and its “rules”, not that if we broke one we would be kicked out, well I don’t think the mob would lynch us, lol.

I enjoy this blog, and other peoples opinions, questions, journeys, etc. As much as I have become a very “right wing, orthodox”, one of those wig wearing ladies, my spirit and thoughts on what I view is right and wrong has not changed.

My uncle who is gay, and is married (or was, if he was married, was that taken away from him, when they changed the rules???) has just as much love and respect from me, my husband and children as does someone who is not gay. My children don’t “see” color of people, and I hope they never will, because as close minded as parts of our community is, we are not and we do our very best to instill our values of people into them.

I (although my 12 year old, who I love dearly is killing me, I hope it is the age, I pray it is the age) do not tolerate negativity (if they hear it) toward others. Even if someone has done something wrong, I try to explain that G-d gives each of us trials ( I don’t have the answer for why) to see if we pass and that only makes us stronger.

I believe the death of my loved one, made me stronger ( I do hope to never go through it again, but we all must at some point), it took a long time. But without that, I couldn’t have become “the director of an HIV facility”, an activist, (if any body know a group called ACT UP, I was hugely into it). Not anymore, my family is my goal and focus these days. I support gay marriage, gay adoption, etc. I believe in human rights, and I try my best to instill my beliefs and values into them. Even though at some point their schooling/religion will challenge them with “my beliefs”.

So once again Malky has made a huge blogg, that goes on and on and on.

I hope everyone who celebrates “Thanksgiving” tomorrow, can find something to be thankful for. The “holidays” and we are getting into that “time or season of the year”, are quickly approaching and in todays world, we need SOMETHING to be Thankful for. So, my family will be enjoying our Turkey dinner Friday night. My children will be driven to their various schools by their Abba (means dad/father in hebrew), I will go to my teaching job, etc.

But I am Thankful for meeting this group. I am thankful that this board is active and open to getting to know each other and care about each other. The world could and should take pointers from ANT, The Colony, blog, etc.

Love all of you already,
Malky (a daily poster now)
Auntie T Says:
November 27th, 2008 at 10am
Makly – Have a great Friday Thanksgiving! I am glad you have found a community of like-minded people that support your beliefs.

T
Ramble Redhead Says:
January 13th, 2009 at 10pm
Ant

I would have to say that this video is one of the most honest and sincere videos I have ever watched and truly touched me in so many ways. Thank you for sharing your life with us both the good and the bad and showing all of us what a great person you are.